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Writer's pictureCaitlin Black

The Internal Stigma of the “Selfish Woman”



If you're a woman reading this post, do you ever feel hesitant or even anxious expressing healthy confidence? Do you find yourself starting your sentences with a defense mechanism like, “This is going to sound cocky, but…”?

Why is this a thing? Why do we feel gross after posting anything that promotes our gifts and abilities?

The impact of misogyny is often discussed in obvious ways, including instances of catcalling, objectification, and sexist humor. However, there is also an unconscious and invisible mechanism of misogyny that affects the way women relate to themselves and other women in society. Specifically, I am referring to the very inconspicuous and unpleasant phenomenon of internalized misogyny.

To clarify, internalized misogyny occurs when women unknowingly internalize and project sexist ideas onto other women and themselves.

Growing up, we have been taught through recycled modeling and social values to put others first and to prioritize others’ needs over our own. We might have even admired and praised other women who consistently acted in self-sacrifice. Meanwhile, male role models often embody values contrary to this. Boys are encouraged to freely express their thoughts and beliefs without self-consciousness. They do not feel internally ashamed if they prioritize their needs or exude assertiveness, opinionation, and authority.

I recently posted a promotional video showcasing my skills and interests as a therapist, I felt shame and anxiety pulse through me. Thoughts raced through my mind - I’m too skinny to be online, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I don’t deserve the attention others do. But most shameful is the thought that posting this video is a vile act of self-involvement.

Messed up, right?

This happens every time I take up space, and I know that I'm no different from many other women who feel shame when they have the spotlight shined on them. This doesn't happen for no reason; it happens as a result of gendered socialization, and it's genuinely really shitty.

So what can we do? Well, if you're a man reading this (and thank you if you are indeed :)), here’s how you can support women in overcoming this:

  • Give women credit when they accomplish something new.

  • Avoid any impulse to play devil's advocate and instead reflect back the value and insights that are evident when she shares her perspectives with you.

  • Make sure women receive the credit they deserve, and look for opportunities to acknowledge their contributions.

  • Develop self-awareness of ways you might inadvertently overshadow your female counterparts.

  • Recognize when women might feel uncomfortable in the spotlight and remind them of their worthiness to shine.

  • Don't get defensive about male privilege - we all have privilege in different ways. No one wants conflict; we just want societal change and maybe less internal demonic dialogue when putting ourselves out there.



Respectfully and Lovingly,


Caitlin Black / Common Ground Therapy Toronto


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