"Another year older, another year wiser" is an idiom rarely reserved for half our population of women. The SEO ranking on Google for the keyword "anti-ageing" compared to "pro-ageing" and the target demographic advertised sadly supports this double standard. I could dedicate my evening to detailing the brutal nature of the anxiety that surrounds women’s fear of aging, but I don’t need to because the overt evidence of anti-aging culture in our society speaks for itself.
Backhanded compliments like “you look so good for your age” or “you're only ___ many years old??” are everyday statements that reinforce the ideological desire to look young.
As a child, I remember feeling confused when my mother would grimace or complain about her wrinkles. I recall saying, “Mom, I love your wrinkles, they show me how much you have smiled throughout your life.” Unfortunately, she wasn’t convinced despite the validity of my argument. This modeling became increasingly predictable as I overheard my friends' moms complain about their bodies. I remember feeling annoyed and confused - as a child, I was not yet socialized to interpret wrinkles or fine lines as indicators of gradually diminished social respect, which would then convert to feelings of worthlessness.
Fortunately, here I am about to turn 34, and I have already found my way back to the wise and loving words of that little girl. Especially as I look in the mirror and notice the effects of age after birthing two beautiful boys: my battle scars all over my bum, a scrunchy forehead and eye bags from the little sleep they offer through the night when they wake me for milk or need comfort from a bad dream. Sometimes I can feel the shame creep in, though, and frustrated, I remain confused by my criticism when I remember, “Objectively speaking, who cares? Why are some wrinkles and fine lines considered unattractive anyway?”
If we were to get a little meta over here - what would happen if there was an alternate parallel universe next door that operated their social compass differently? Instead of anticipating societal ageism and poor self-esteem they anticipated social respect, community and positive self esteem. What if aging was not something to avoid and considered a privilege? their beliefs might actually create happier humans. After all research confirms that social values about aging have direct impacts on mental health outcomes.
As a feminist psychotherapist, the women that I work with who strive to feel less shame about aging inspire me. As we work to liberate and unravel oppressive distortions from their mind, they see their truth and their value, and we are both reminded of their authentic beauty.
Caitlin Black
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