Facing the Merry Go Round of One Sided Relationships

When I reflect on the nostalgia of the Canadian Indie scene during my twenties, I think back to that song Ready to Start by Arcade Fire. There’s a line in it—“I would rather be alone than pretend I feel alright” which opens up this possibility that we can choose to shift from enduring the emotional exhaustion of one-sided dynamics to choosing a more honest and loving decision to stand by ourself when someone else can't. Sometimes we also have the option to see if there is room for growth before coming to terms with loss. This article explores ways you can find out if growth might be available.

I should probably also stress that this is not an article about becoming cold, transactional, or hyper-independent. If anything, it’s about the opposite. It’s about learning whether you can create a foundation for mutual respect and consideration. Because when faced with relational inequity it is a normal human response to struggle with resentment while also considering how to respond to that resentment as a cue rather than a weakness or a defect to suppress. If we can respond to our emotional cues with this compassionate responsibility sometimes we can protect and preserve our ability to be unburdened by resentment and work towards expanding our full potential as kind and fair individuals.

It is both an uncomfortable truth and a source of freedom to accept that love does not always guarantee fairness. Sometimes people meet us with consistency, care, and reciprocity. Other times, they are distracted, emotionally unavailable, avoidant, entitled, overwhelmed, or out to lunch. We cannot fully control whether others show up fairly.

What we can do is take responsibility for remaining balanced in our ability to be fair to ourselves and to others at the same time.

Sometimes there's a healthy kind of discomfort that comes with growth — the discomfort of no longer tolerating a merry-go-round of one-sided dynamics simply because you are capable of carrying them.

Have you been on this merry-go-round before? it sometimes resembles the pattern or cycle that looks like:

1. Operating from the authentic instinct of generosity, honesty, flexibility, and giving others the benefit of the doubt because your generosity isn't intended as a strategy to gain something in return. You might rationalize overextending — when carrying more emotional labour, initiating or planning more often, adapting to imbalance, or assuming reciprocity will naturally emerge over time.

2. A one sided baseline in the relationship may become habitual without any awareness of an imbalance from the other side. Especially if you are conflict avoidant, prone to avoid vulnerability about needing or wanting support and if you have a tendency to operate as the designated leader or "strong one."

3. Eventually, the unresolved imbalance may begin surfacing indirectly through resentment, rumination, emotional exhaustion, irritability, over-analysis, or unexpectedly intense reactions that are connected to the larger pattern rather than the immediate moment itself.

4. You may then find yourself faced with shame and when judging yourself for having resentment in the first place. You might wonder whether you are becoming "negative", "entitled", "rigid", "over-dramatic", or “too sensitive.” You may convince yourself that if you were truly loving, emotionally mature, or secure, these things would not bother you so much.

5. This can then create an unconscious pull back toward your emotional baseline — returning to unconditional giving, minimizing your own resentment, and convincing yourself that love should not require awareness of reciprocity at all.

After all, life is not supposed to be a tally chart. You may begin convincing yourself that noticing imbalance somehow makes you the problem — that feeling hurt by one-sidedness means you're selfish, keeping score, or failing at unconditional love instead of simply recognizing your own unmet needs. And just like that, the pattern somehow may feel like it resets itself and its out of your hands.

But the problem was never that your were too generous or that your a fraud who masquerades as a caretaker by day and a resentful petty villian by night. The problem isn't even a problem really ... as it leads us to creating healthy change. A wise person once reminded me to consider. " The distance at which you love yourself and another at the same time is sometimes defined by boundaries."

Healthy connection was never supposed to feel like one person dragging the relationship forward while the other simply experiences the benefits of being loved.

Your loyalty is a strength that can be met with intention

Many people feel safe around individuals who naturally create structure, warmth, and continuity in relationships. But people also trust you more when you don't over-extend and you are often valued more when you protect the energy you expend rather than handing it out like 1$ bills.

Sometimes one sided dynamics can look like keeping conversations alive, making all the plans, repairing every conflict first, initiating every check-in, smoothing over every awkward silence, carrying the emotional rhythm of the relationship or friendship alone.

At first, this can feel loving. Over time, it can become exhausting. So let us begin with an opportunity for a few reframes.

Reframe #1

A relationship should feel like shared movement, not one person continuously pushing the wheel forward while the other occasionally hops on for the ride. Its okay and healthy sometimes to tolerate the discomfort of an awkward silence or the discomfort of communicating the discrepancy with kindness, a gentle nudge and even some humor.

Some behavioural shifts worth consideration

I'm definetly of the mind that sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too. You can have your empathy co-exist with friendly new beginnings and reduce the odds of someone receiving you with defensiveness

• I've been considering a rotational princess treatment. One person plans, one person gets whisked away. Then we switch? What do you think?

• Your turn to surprise me—I’m ready to be impressed

• So what’s the plan you’ve been secretly cooking up for us?

• Let me treat you, I’ve got this one—you can grab the next one.

• Are you getting nervous about matching my excellence next time its your turn to plan the date/hangout/etc.

Keep in mind these communication scripts are examples of ways to nudge a good starting point that can work towards a foundation for reciprocity but not a lifetime of falling hostage as a cheeky referee

Reframe #2

Reciprocity can become the standard and not something you earn through time or continued generosity

Behavioural shift - observe, process the info gained and revisit with intention

Instead of increasing effort when imbalance appears, begin observing patterns.

Notice:

• whether they initiate plans

• whether they steamroll through conversations

• whether they think about you or express genuine interest in your life

  
  

You might say:

• “I think I’ve been defaulting to planning everything—can we switch it up and take turns?”

  
  

Or you might instead :

• Make plans without waiting to hear back first.

• Continue your routines even when communication feels uncertain.

• Invest in friendships, hobbies, creativity, rest, work, movement, and joy outside the relationship.

• Let your life remain emotionally inhabited by you.

  
  

Can this shift rebalance your relationships? Possibly. A little scarcity can be clarifying—it often can even guide people to take responsibility where they’ve grown comfortable or passive. Fortunately, confident, self-valuing behaviour tends to attract more equity. But even if someone does falls off your list of contacts, you are no longer left managing the emptiness of carrying a relationship alone. That may require the hardship of accepting loss and grief but it is often far more honest than staying on the quiet, disorienting merry-go-round of loneliness within an unequal dynamic.